Dream House

My husband and I are ready for a house, a permanent place to call our own. Renting made sense when we first got married and has continued to be necessary to save up a good down payment for a house, but we're ready to be done with it. After a certain amount of time, all the "homey" touches like wall decor and furniture can't hide the fact that an apartment is not a real home.

We recently found our dream home through a serious of random events and we're trying hard not to get too attached or think too much about it, in case it doesn't work out. But it's hard. More than any other house we've seen, this is the one we can see ourselves in the best. It's got the perfect deck for having friends over for a summer BBQ, a large family room to host family Christmas', and a big yard perfect for kids to run around in. We could grow old in that house.

It's hard to know if we stumbled upon this dream house because we're somehow meant to have it, or if it's really just that: a dream house.

Family Get-Togethers

I'm not sure what your extended family is like, but mine is loud, crazy and hilarious. Especially my mom's side of the family.

We had a get-together this afternoon out in Holland at my aunt and uncle's house. We laid around the pool for while, soaked up the sun and cooled off as needed in the water. Then we headed inside for dinner, a feast of pork BBQ, fruit and salads and even though we were all still pretty full, we ended with strawberry rhubarb pie and pecan pie.

My stomach hurts from all the great food and from lots and lots of laughter. I'm not sure what was more funny, the story my energetic cousin told about waking up in the night to a red light coming through the window and becoming convinced it was someone outside with a laser to get her, or seeing a group of my female relatives doing face stretches recommended by my younger sister, which combined sticking out your lower jaw and baring your teeth while looking upward.

Molting

A girl in my class had a hermit crab as a pet in elementary school. She brought it in for show and tell one day; a small reddish crab with a shell on its back, housed in a circular metal cage. We eagerly crowded around, practically stacked on top of each other as only kids can do, our faces inches away from the wires to get a better look at the tiny creature.

She proudly began to tell us about her unusual pet – what it ate, what it did all day, how she cared for it, and other random information. I remember staring at it in amazement as she told us how the hermit crab would switch shells as it grew. My childhood imagination pictured the shell switch would be like changing clothes.

It wasn’t until recently that I learned the hermit crab isn’t just switching shells, it’s getting rid of its exoskeleton (external skeleton) and growing another. It’s a process called “molting” and is quite time-consuming and painful, but it allows the crab to grow.

The past couple months have been a time of transition for me, and looking at it now, it resembles a hermit crab in the process of molting.

I left one job and got another, which to some might not be that big of a deal. But I had been doing that job day in and day out for five years, and it had become part of my identity. What I did blended with who I was. Leaving meant I had to let go of an identity that defined me for so many years.

I’m not going to lie, it was painful to let go. I felt vulnerable without the job title and responsibilities, and it took time to mourn the loss of what was so familiar. But it forced me to rediscover the important things that make me who I am –the qualities and skills that make up my true identity – not the one given by an employer. It also helped me learn that true friends are friends no matter where you work or what you do.

I’ve noticed the past couple weeks I’ve been filled with a sense of peace and joy. My husband also noticed how happy I’ve been, and commented on it. That’s when it occurred to me that I’ve grown my new exoskeleton, and am feeling quite comfortable in it. Like the hermit crab the molting was challenging, but it helped me grow.

Poetic inspiration

There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
Of cathedral tunes.

Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.

None may teach it anything,
'Tis the seal, despair,-
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the air.

When it comes, the landscape listens,
Shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 't is like the distance
On the look of death.

-Emily Dickinson

I first read this poem in middle school, for Mrs. Rozenboom's English class. Everyone had to do a presentation on a poet, and I picked Emily Dickinson. I chose Dickinson partially because she was female and I was going through a feminist phase, but mostly because I was drawn to her writing. Her poetry is both hopeful and sad, a powerful mix of emotions that spoke to my middle school self.

I encountered this poem again in college on an English interim trip in New England. I don't remember exactly where we were, but it was an upstairs room. It was mid-January and as the group of us stood around our professors, a ray of sunshine suddenly streamed in through the window, casting a slanted light beam on the floor. Professor Fondse paused, then started to recite this poem. The visual image with the spoken words transfixed us all.

I live in the Midwest, so I am all too familiar with the weather references in this poem. I know what it's like to endure a cold, gray winter day and enjoy a warm ray of sunshine.

I also know what it's like to go through dark situations in life, the oppressive weight on your shoulders. But then there's a certain slant of light...

And no matter how many ways I encounter it, I am always inspired by and thankful for those slants of light.